time flies when....

oh goodness! i hadn't realized that i haven't updated in a week!

i have this stat counter thingy that tells me how many of you lovelys are checking in and i use it as a guide to help me know when to post.

traffic has been down lately, though everyone i run in to raves....help me stay motivated to post by telling your friends about the site and thus keeping my numbers up.

it makes me feel good about myself, too ;)


now, on to an actual post for y'alls:

today at work one of my co-workers had a pen explode ALL FUCKING OVER his shirt. we all thought for sure it was ruined 'til i remembered something that i learned from a bar regular just yesterday.

funny how the universe works, isn't it?

she swears by spraying the ink stain with hairspray before laundering. and not just spraying--like, fully all out saturating.

hope it works, caleb!

gettin' fig-gy with it

i love fruit for dessert,
though for some reason i have never been much of a fan of fruit served in any way other than in it's purest form.

jellies, jams, fruit pies: none of them do it for me....
and yet, i know that the sweetness of fruit holds a special place in the dessert section of any fabulous menu.

this sweet, simple recipe fulfills my desire to enjoy fruit in a dessert setting, while still maintaining the integrity of fruit the way good ol' mamma nature intended.

figs with ricotta, honey and walnuts
5 servings

15 fresh figs, trimmed
1/2 c whole-milk ricotta cheese
(splurge on the good stuff: it's worth it)
1/3 c honey
1/3 c chopped walnuts

cut each fig into 4 wedges, cutting to, but not through, the base of fig.
spread wedges slightly apart; place 3 figs on each 0f 5 dessert plates.
spoon about 1 1/2 tsp cheese into each fig,
and spoon about 1 tbsp honey evenly around each serving of figs.
sprinkle each serving of figs with about 1 tbsp walnuts.

enjoy!

let's get crackin', yo

yes, i know it's not even st. patty's day yet, but i'm a sucker for outside influence and thus, have already begun to think about the impending easter season.

easter is one of my favorite holidays (trailing only the fourth of july and xmas) mostly because i love easter candy more than pizza/sushi/and baby lions combined. (just to clarify: i don't eat baby lions...i just love them a lot. no crazy 'you shouldn't be eating baby lion' comments, 'k?)

peeps, cadbury creme eggs (nevermind i haven't been able to actually finish one in years), brach's malts and jelly beans.

damn....i've bout given myself a glorious sugar high already!

and though it may seem a sacrilege that the things i mainly cherish about a holiday that celebrates the resurrection of a savior, i have found some beneficial things to love about the spring festivus, as well.

you know those little plastic eggs that have started popping up in just about every store imaginable? well, guess what? those suckers can come in mad handy.

i like to use them to carry around little odds and ends that always get lost in the bottom of my purse or the creases of my make-up bag.
i.e. bobby pins, small change, mints, etc.

if you have little ones at home, the colorful eggs work well as snack containers for small goldfish shaped crackers and tiny chocolate bits emblazoned with random letters.

best part?

they're reusable and thus
earth friendly
....and hey, who doesn't like that?

totally my bag, baby...

while some ideas for plastic baggies may seem more obvious than others (see above photo), the possibilities for uses are nearly endless.

just remember to clean out any residual (ahem) herbs before using your baggies for alternative projects such as these:

obviously, sealing bags work well as organizational tools (smaller ones to keep cosmetics together in your purse/larger ones to store pens and pencils in your junk drawer/etc).
trust me, it's WAY easier to find a giant plastic bag in your purse than your little itsy-bitsy lip gloss.

but i also like to use plastic baggies in the kitchen to help me pipe simple frosting (like for cupcakes) and fill pasta tubes.

it's super easy, and makes clean up a snap!

just fill the baggie with whatever medium you are working with, seal and snip a small hole in one corner of the bag. if the hole is not large enough, slowly make it bigger until desired size is achieved.

tada!

here i am!

isn't it great how the phrase 'a couple' is so ambiguous?

'oh, i only had a couple of drinks after work'
'i've only had a couple of sexual partners'
'i've done drugs a couple of times, before'
'it's gonna take me a couple of days to pay you back'

and, 'i gonna post something in a couple of hours'

well, 48+ hours later, and here i am, bitches!



now, to get some shit accomplished right quick.

in the spirit of spring cleaning and all that jazz, i want to post about something that some of you, (ahem, YOU) may overlook during these springtime cleaning festival season.

clean up after your pet!
and not just when they leave a big steaming pile of shit somewhere.

a great way to remove pet hair from furniture, pet beds, toys, etc etc is to brush it off using a standard nail brush. way easy. way fast.

just because an item belongs to an animal does not give said-item the right to be a disgusting fucking mess. clean that shit!

show your love to your special little guy or lady and keep their environment as clean as is reasonably possible.

they are at your mercy, you know.

jeez, you guys!

i'm workin' on it, okay?
i got a lot of stuff goin' on here and i'll post real soon.
like in a couple of hours.

so get off my fuckin' back.

hugs and kisses (cause i really do love you)
~m~

burn, baby, burn!

what a wonderful idea!

to preserve a beautiful candle, burn the wick enough to hollow out the center,

next time you need a li'l bit of ambiance, pop a votive in the crevice and voila! your treasured candle will last for ever and ever and ever and ever and...you get the idea.


note: before displaying ANY candle, burn the wick for a classier look (i know, what's so fuckin' classy about a burnt candle wick, but it just is, okay?)

faux-pressive-ness!!

fancy-schmancy chicken soup from a can!

sometimes in the middle of a saturday afternoon, i just want something hot and light to get me through 'til my late-night post-boozin' pizza binge. does that really make me so different from you?

i didn't think so.

anyway, most chicken soup from a can (or any soup in a can, for that matter) is usually pretty blaaaaand.

here is how to fix it into something enjoyable to eat!

prepare the damn soup however the can tells you (it's usually really complicated, like 'heat & eat').
top it off with a generous amount of cholula hot sauce, and the juice of half a lime.

tada!
technically, you're done,

but if you're feeling extra-super fancy on this particular saturday,
go ahead and dollup a little bit of sour cream on top and crumble some tortilla chips for even more added salt and calories.

what the hell, it's saturday!

berry tasty, indeed

okay, so keeping in the theme of non-sequitors from last post, how's fruit dip for a topic out of fucking nowhere.

true, it's late february and, i could be wrong on this (i'm often wrong about stupid things that nobody cares about. i'm always right on really important smart people stuff), but i don't think many berries and such are currently in season.

that said, i totally went to town on a pint of strawberries tonight, which therefore, makes this post relevant.

tada!

one day i caught my polish mother-in-law mixing sour cream and powdered sugar. at first, i was appalled, but then i started to think about all of the other 'weird polish food things' that she does, and how they're almost always delicious, so i tried the weird sour-cream/sugar concoction.

no joke, yos....it is so freakin' good! (i imagine this in a brooklyn-style fake accent)

it is so easy: just add ingredients to taste and drizzle over sliced fruit (my faves are strawberries, blueberries and apples).

you is done.

oh, no he did-n't!

oh yes, he did!!

forgive my overly enthusiastic mood, but when you've discovered a new organizational technique that gets your hubby to say, in all seriousness,

'i really like that new thing with my drawers,'

well, then you've hit the mother-load!

i don't know why this didn't occur to me sooner....sometimes i guess i'm just a little slow on the uptake (shocker, huh?)

instead of folding and stacking t-shirts vertically
(often resulting in ruffled innocent bystanders),
fold them in half horizontally once more and
store file-cabinet style in your drawers. the result is one-look inventory and neater dresser drawers!

and now, just for some non-sequitor fun.....

ha ha!! this cartoon could apply to either my hubby or to my wonderful sister who has a really cute blog at www.prettypinkrat.blogspot.com, but still has larger than normal feet for a girl ;)

we missed it!!

happy belated 'love your pet day' y'all!!

i would say i can't believe i missed it, but i totally can. i miss everything because i am 1) lazy and 2) self-centered.

howevs, one special little lady that i am not self-centered about is my lovely little kitty, berrian (she's an inspiration to plus-size kitties everywhere!).

i love my little bear, just like i'm sure so many of you love your special animal friends, so in honor of national 'love your pet day' we're gonna spoil them like they do on the discovery channel (oh, wait, no--that's both gross and morally objectable. let's say animal planet instead).

homemade kitty treats

6 oz can of tuna
1/4 c water drained from tuna
3 tbsp cooked egg white, chopped
1/4 c cornmeal
1/2 c whole wheat flour

preheat oven to 350. combine tuna, egg white and water. add cornmeal and flour and blend to form a dough. knead into ball and roll to 1/4 in thick. cut into 1 in sized pieces and bake at 350 for 20 min.
makes 12 kitty cookies

homemade doggie biscuits

2 tbsp canola or vegetable oil
1/2 c peanut butter
1 c water
1 1/2 c whole wheat flour
1 1/2 c white flour

preheat oven to 350. combine oil, peanut butter and water. add flour, one cup at a time until form a dough. knead dough into ball and roll until 1/4 in thick. cut into 3 or 4 in pieces. place on ungreased cookie sheet and bake at 350 for 20 min.
makes 36 biscuits

such an easy way to show your love (and honestly, i think both recipes deserve at least a try on the ol' human taste buds).

and guess what, your pet doesn't know we missed the offical holiday, and even if they did, they wouldn't care....berrian knows i had a very busy day of drinking wine, doing crossword puzzles and watching dvred episodes of project runway yesterday.
lucky for her, i love her enough to squeeze some time for her into my busy schedule....she's gonna be getting lots of extra guilt-ridden belly rubs today!

faking it

damn, i'm giving away all my good secrets!!

this one is too easy, practical and, errruhhhh, satisfying to keep to myself, though.
i am so generous (smiley).

quick-clean between serious cleaning sessions by trying some (or all) of these tipperoos. (even if you do ALL of these tips, total cleaning time, is like 10 minutes, i swear--if you don't drag your ass)

**in the bathroom, take the dirty hand towel and wet a small section with water. wipe down sink, edges of bathtub, toilet tops, yada yada whatever's dirty. use dry section of towel to once-over all areas cleaned, picking up any residual gunk.

**wash all dishes in kitchen. clear counter and tabletops of as much clutter as possible. either put stuff where it obviously belongs, or shove it in the junk-drawer (we all have one) and go find it later. quickly wipe down all grungy surfaces.

**in rooms where pile-up is bound to happen (the family room, for examp) stack like-objects together and place out of the way.

**clear jackets and shoes out of entry-way (when someone walks in, the entry is the first thing they see to represent your home).

**light a scented candle.

'cause, hey--if you're gonna be caught on the couch with a glass of wine when your signif other gets home from work, it's kind of nice to atleast be sitting in a clean house.

ya know?

you got no taste...

last night i made a casserole that, well, sucked big freakin' time.

i am at my best when i am reading a recipe in front of my face, with actual measurements and ingredients and stuff.

my husband, a chef, likes to just kind of throw a whole bunch of seemingly normal stuff together, season it lightly and bask in the glory of the food he has created.

so, when he told me to: combine pasta, veggies, chicken, and cheese and make it a casserole, i was kind of at a loss as to what to do.

the end result was edible (i knew enough, at least, to pre-cook the pasta) though hardly flavorful.

i thought it was a total bust, but my hubby told me how to fix it. and it was super-easy!

okay, put entire casserole in a large stainless steel bowl. chop up chicken if still in larger pieces. add soy sauce and lemon pepper to taste.
return to casserole pan, re-cover with cheese, and bake at 250 until warm.

way, totally better!!

happy early vd-day!

oh, i mean v-day.

m'bad.

ahhh, that's better!

so, it took me three days, but i've finally gotten myself out of my funk (i could've posted during that time, but trust me: i'm plenty good at spreading hate and misery in real-life, no need to infect the blogosphere).

i must admit, the beautiful flowers my beautiful husband surprised me with yesterday didn't hurt my return to the land of joyful people. the only problem? the vase i wanted to put them in is rather bulbous in nature, which means i have to pump that sucker full of water in order to reach the flower stems.

what now? how do i fix it? what little gem of wisdom do i hold onto for just such an occasion?

clear plastic straws, bitches!

just clip the straws to the desired length, slip them over the stems, and voila! this tip is also great because it helps keep the flowers, ahem, erect and at the most aesthetically pleasing height.

get your clear plastic straws ladies (no, we're not having an all-night party) 'cause if you followed my advice from a month ago, you should be expecting yourself some flowers 'shortly'.

ohhhh, bother

that's how i feel today.

quite honestly, i think i would be perfectly content with leaving my blog post at that, but then i would undoubtedly feel guilty about it later which would kind of defeat the whole purpose of not posting shit cuz i don't fucking feel like it (thanks, catholicism for teaching me that if it feels right, it can't possibly be--i love you for that).

okay, so i've now done my fair share of bitching, on to somethings that may or may not be quasi-useful to you:

when i get into a mood like the one i'm in, little things start to bug me that i am generally unphased by.
case in point--the slamming of cabinet doors.
i don't know why this sound makes me want to take a nail-gun to somebody's thigh, but it does, okay?
i know, i know, it's not really the problem of the person slamming the god-forsaken cabinet door as it is a faulty design within the cabinet, itself, but try telling my violent urges that.

solution to this problem that won't find me divorced and/or in jail and/or in the looney tunes discount bin?

thinly slice a wine cork (use a very sharp knife, but be careful!!) and super glue it to the inside corner of the door.

no more SLAM! SLAM! and thus, no more urge to seriously hurt my husband (at least over this minor issue).

aaahhhh.....serenity-fucking-now!

'nough said

sick of this: period

disclaimer: this post is about periods. menstrual cycles. 'that time of the month'. bleeding from the vagina because that's the way god made us, dammit! if you can't handle that, you are probably male and may not want to continue reading.
see ya back here tomorrow, though!

okay, on to business!
who loves their period?!? not many of us, and yet, each month, i am so ecstatic to get it is almost makes me forget the sensation of my uteran wall ripping itself from my body.

oh, the magic of anatomy.

like all of you, i consider my period to officially suck donkey balls. the cramping, the bloating, the umm, 'other' stomach issues. it's a party, i tell you what!

the other night i awoke in the middle of the night to the joy that is mother nature's monthly 'fuck you for being a woman' and could not for the life of me find my heating pad.

i loves me my heating pad when i'm cramping hardcore and my inability to find it at 4 am wasn't particularly setting very well with me.
i was thisfuckingclose to hopping in the car and driving to walgreens to get myself another one when suddenly inspiration hit!

i took a hand towel, soaked it, wrung it out and microwaved that bitch for about 3 minutes. when it came out of the microwave it was so hot i thought i was going to suffer first degree burns by laying it on my throbbing fupa. (if you don't know fupa, check it out here)

just what i needed!

i've heard that another great trick is to take an old sock, fill it with rice and then microwave that (okay, tie a knot in the sock then microwave it). no water necessary, which is nice seeing as my method tends to soak the bed (but i hurts so bad i just don't care!)

next month, when i'm sure to re-live this beautiful cycle of nature, i'm gonna try the rice idea. afterall, i've never really enjoyed sleeping in a wet spot (ewww, gross!!).

oh, yeah......this works, too:

omg! those superbowl decs are, like, so incredibly the ultimate cuteness!

ok, how great is this idea?

for your superbowl party, you don't really want to go too crazy with the decorations, it's supposed to be a casual day and you don't want to give the hubby any ideas (like, 'hey, that giant poster of john madden looks pretty good there in the entryway'----true story: i once had a 'fathead' plastered to my formal dining room wall for an entire week before i 'accidentally' tore it. if you don't know what a 'fathead' is: google it.)

so, anyway, you want something cute and festive, but not so over-the-top that it looks like you forgot that this is, essentially, a celebration of manliness.

tada!

this football field tablecloth is the perfect blend of omg!supercute! and heythat'sprettyneatforpartydecorationsiguess. a little something for everybody, no?

here's how we're gonna do it:
you need to get yo'self:
1 green tablecloth (i like those heavy ones that are wipeable on one side and that weird fabric to keep it from sliding on the other)
2 small plastic goalposts
several rolls of white medical adhesive tape
a ruler
scissors
maybe a hotglue gun

now here's what to do wit it:
lay tablecloth out on your snack table. find center of cloth with ruler (this is the 50yd line). determine length from 50 yd line to edge of table and divide by 7 (these are your yardage markers.
make a line with the medical tape at every 1/7 increment, until you get to the final two (the last section is double in size and represents your endzone).
repeat on opposite side of tablecloth.
if you are good enough, make yardage numbers (50, 40, 30 etc) using the tape. if you suck at this (like i do) hotglue number stickers along the corresponding lines.
finally, hotglue or duct tape the goal posts at the back of either endzone.

you is done!

brownie points

yesterday i gave you all a great stuffed sandwich recipe to serve at your superbowl party (you're welcome!) but then i got to thinking.....

what if other people are more popular than i am and actually get invited to parties instead of having to bribe people with food and alcohol into coming to my house?

hhmmm, what if, huh?

okay, well, if this unlikely circumstance applies to you and you will be attending a party elsewhere this sunday, be a good party guest and bring something (if you don't, that's fine, it's up to you--but you're going to look like an ungrateful mooch, just so you know).

when it comes to bringing food and supplies to a party, there are two ways that you simply cannot go wrong: booze and brownies.

booze, you know where to get (buy what YOU want to drink, not what's cheapest at the store).

now for the brownies!

deep chocolate brownies

2 sticks unsalted butter
8 oz fine-quality bittersweet chocolate (no more than 60% cacao)
2 c sugar
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
5 lrge eggs
2/3 c all-purpose flour
1/3 c unsweetened dutch-process cocoa powder
1/2 tsp salt

preheat oven to 350 with rack in middle. butter and flour 13x9 in baking pan.
melt butter and chocolate in 3 qt heavy saucepan over low heat, stirring until smooth. remove from heat and cool to lukewarm. whisk in sugar and vanilla. whisk in eggs 1 at a time until mixture is glossy and smooth.
whisk together flour, cocoa powder and salt, then whisk into chocolate mixture until combined.
spread in pan and bake until a pick inserted in center comes out with crumbs, 25-35 minutes.
cool completely.

these brownies are so freaking good, don't even think about making them for your household. these are strictly take-out-of-the-house brownies, got it?

oh, and resist the temptation (or insistence of the hostess) to take the leftovers home.
leave the damn brownies wherever you've taken them and let somebody else get fat on them, okay?

yeah, they're that good.