gettin' fig-gy with it

i love fruit for dessert,
though for some reason i have never been much of a fan of fruit served in any way other than in it's purest form.

jellies, jams, fruit pies: none of them do it for me....
and yet, i know that the sweetness of fruit holds a special place in the dessert section of any fabulous menu.

this sweet, simple recipe fulfills my desire to enjoy fruit in a dessert setting, while still maintaining the integrity of fruit the way good ol' mamma nature intended.

figs with ricotta, honey and walnuts
5 servings

15 fresh figs, trimmed
1/2 c whole-milk ricotta cheese
(splurge on the good stuff: it's worth it)
1/3 c honey
1/3 c chopped walnuts

cut each fig into 4 wedges, cutting to, but not through, the base of fig.
spread wedges slightly apart; place 3 figs on each 0f 5 dessert plates.
spoon about 1 1/2 tsp cheese into each fig,
and spoon about 1 tbsp honey evenly around each serving of figs.
sprinkle each serving of figs with about 1 tbsp walnuts.

enjoy!

fancy-schmancy chicken soup from a can!

sometimes in the middle of a saturday afternoon, i just want something hot and light to get me through 'til my late-night post-boozin' pizza binge. does that really make me so different from you?

i didn't think so.

anyway, most chicken soup from a can (or any soup in a can, for that matter) is usually pretty blaaaaand.

here is how to fix it into something enjoyable to eat!

prepare the damn soup however the can tells you (it's usually really complicated, like 'heat & eat').
top it off with a generous amount of cholula hot sauce, and the juice of half a lime.

tada!
technically, you're done,

but if you're feeling extra-super fancy on this particular saturday,
go ahead and dollup a little bit of sour cream on top and crumble some tortilla chips for even more added salt and calories.

what the hell, it's saturday!

berry tasty, indeed

okay, so keeping in the theme of non-sequitors from last post, how's fruit dip for a topic out of fucking nowhere.

true, it's late february and, i could be wrong on this (i'm often wrong about stupid things that nobody cares about. i'm always right on really important smart people stuff), but i don't think many berries and such are currently in season.

that said, i totally went to town on a pint of strawberries tonight, which therefore, makes this post relevant.

tada!

one day i caught my polish mother-in-law mixing sour cream and powdered sugar. at first, i was appalled, but then i started to think about all of the other 'weird polish food things' that she does, and how they're almost always delicious, so i tried the weird sour-cream/sugar concoction.

no joke, yos....it is so freakin' good! (i imagine this in a brooklyn-style fake accent)

it is so easy: just add ingredients to taste and drizzle over sliced fruit (my faves are strawberries, blueberries and apples).

you is done.

we missed it!!

happy belated 'love your pet day' y'all!!

i would say i can't believe i missed it, but i totally can. i miss everything because i am 1) lazy and 2) self-centered.

howevs, one special little lady that i am not self-centered about is my lovely little kitty, berrian (she's an inspiration to plus-size kitties everywhere!).

i love my little bear, just like i'm sure so many of you love your special animal friends, so in honor of national 'love your pet day' we're gonna spoil them like they do on the discovery channel (oh, wait, no--that's both gross and morally objectable. let's say animal planet instead).

homemade kitty treats

6 oz can of tuna
1/4 c water drained from tuna
3 tbsp cooked egg white, chopped
1/4 c cornmeal
1/2 c whole wheat flour

preheat oven to 350. combine tuna, egg white and water. add cornmeal and flour and blend to form a dough. knead into ball and roll to 1/4 in thick. cut into 1 in sized pieces and bake at 350 for 20 min.
makes 12 kitty cookies

homemade doggie biscuits

2 tbsp canola or vegetable oil
1/2 c peanut butter
1 c water
1 1/2 c whole wheat flour
1 1/2 c white flour

preheat oven to 350. combine oil, peanut butter and water. add flour, one cup at a time until form a dough. knead dough into ball and roll until 1/4 in thick. cut into 3 or 4 in pieces. place on ungreased cookie sheet and bake at 350 for 20 min.
makes 36 biscuits

such an easy way to show your love (and honestly, i think both recipes deserve at least a try on the ol' human taste buds).

and guess what, your pet doesn't know we missed the offical holiday, and even if they did, they wouldn't care....berrian knows i had a very busy day of drinking wine, doing crossword puzzles and watching dvred episodes of project runway yesterday.
lucky for her, i love her enough to squeeze some time for her into my busy schedule....she's gonna be getting lots of extra guilt-ridden belly rubs today!

you got no taste...

last night i made a casserole that, well, sucked big freakin' time.

i am at my best when i am reading a recipe in front of my face, with actual measurements and ingredients and stuff.

my husband, a chef, likes to just kind of throw a whole bunch of seemingly normal stuff together, season it lightly and bask in the glory of the food he has created.

so, when he told me to: combine pasta, veggies, chicken, and cheese and make it a casserole, i was kind of at a loss as to what to do.

the end result was edible (i knew enough, at least, to pre-cook the pasta) though hardly flavorful.

i thought it was a total bust, but my hubby told me how to fix it. and it was super-easy!

okay, put entire casserole in a large stainless steel bowl. chop up chicken if still in larger pieces. add soy sauce and lemon pepper to taste.
return to casserole pan, re-cover with cheese, and bake at 250 until warm.

way, totally better!!

brownie points

yesterday i gave you all a great stuffed sandwich recipe to serve at your superbowl party (you're welcome!) but then i got to thinking.....

what if other people are more popular than i am and actually get invited to parties instead of having to bribe people with food and alcohol into coming to my house?

hhmmm, what if, huh?

okay, well, if this unlikely circumstance applies to you and you will be attending a party elsewhere this sunday, be a good party guest and bring something (if you don't, that's fine, it's up to you--but you're going to look like an ungrateful mooch, just so you know).

when it comes to bringing food and supplies to a party, there are two ways that you simply cannot go wrong: booze and brownies.

booze, you know where to get (buy what YOU want to drink, not what's cheapest at the store).

now for the brownies!

deep chocolate brownies

2 sticks unsalted butter
8 oz fine-quality bittersweet chocolate (no more than 60% cacao)
2 c sugar
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
5 lrge eggs
2/3 c all-purpose flour
1/3 c unsweetened dutch-process cocoa powder
1/2 tsp salt

preheat oven to 350 with rack in middle. butter and flour 13x9 in baking pan.
melt butter and chocolate in 3 qt heavy saucepan over low heat, stirring until smooth. remove from heat and cool to lukewarm. whisk in sugar and vanilla. whisk in eggs 1 at a time until mixture is glossy and smooth.
whisk together flour, cocoa powder and salt, then whisk into chocolate mixture until combined.
spread in pan and bake until a pick inserted in center comes out with crumbs, 25-35 minutes.
cool completely.

these brownies are so freaking good, don't even think about making them for your household. these are strictly take-out-of-the-house brownies, got it?

oh, and resist the temptation (or insistence of the hostess) to take the leftovers home.
leave the damn brownies wherever you've taken them and let somebody else get fat on them, okay?

yeah, they're that good.

because i love men in tight pants.....

okay, so i mostly love the receivers in tight pants (some of the jiggly asses of those linemen have been known to give me nightmares), but i'm willing to accept the ugly in this world in order to get to the beauty that is reggie bush's backside.

oh, in case you totally suck jiggly-lineman-ass or are completely out of touch with reality and don't know jack-squat, the superbowl is this weekend and you are not only expected to watch the game (and not-as-good-as-they-used-to-be commercials) but also to feed the masses congregating in your living room.

here is an easy-peasy, do-the-night-before muffulatto (stuffed sandwich). give it to your guests and tell them to 'shut the hell up, the game's starting already!". enjoy!

muff-a-lotta (like i wasn't going to make that joke)

1 c fresh basil leaves
1/2 c pitted kalamata olives
1/4 c drained capers
1 tbsp chopped garlic
1/2 c olive oil
1 round 2lb loaf french bread
1 lb thinly sliced italian meats (salami, soppresatta, mortadella, etc)
1 lb thinly sliced provolone cheese
1 16oz jar of roasted red peppers, drained
1 lrge sweet onion, very thinly sliced
6 plum tomatoes, thinly sliced

in food processor, finely chop basil, olives, capers and garlic. add olive oil and mix until well blended. season with salt and pepper.
(this mixture can be made one day before assembling sandwich)

cut bread in 1/2 HORIZONTALLY!! remove enough of soft inside to leave 1in shell .
spread 1/2 of olive mixture on bottom of loaf.
create layers of meat, cheese, peppers, onions and tomatoes (it's okay if the layers seem to get out of control and overflow the loaf--this is one helluva sandwich, afterall).
spread remaining olive mixture over inside of the top bun, and press firmly onto sandwich.
wrap veryveryvery tightly in plastic wrap and refrigerate over night.

slice into wedges to serve.

my husband and his chunky friends go crazy for this sandwich, and if your superbowl guests don't, it's because they are fucking morons (no offense, but c'mon).


and now, for some men in tight pants!!!

courtesy of the one and only, amy sedaris

my undying love for all things amy sedaris is no secret.
this recipe of her's is no secret, either: it's straight from her new york times bestseller entertaining guide, i like you by amy sedaris: hospitality under the influence.

chicken snatchatore
(serves 4-6)

8 pieces chicken
3 tbsp olive oil
1 sliced onion
1 bell pepper
2 minced cloves garlic
1/2 c dry white wine (if you have to buy more and drink the excess, so be it)
1 tsp dried thyme
2 tbsp minced fresh basil
1 bay leaf
salt and pepper to taste
1 can peeled tomatoes, drained and chopped up
4 oz fresh chopped mushrooms

heat 2 tbsp of oil in large skillet over med heat. place as many pieces of chicken in skillet without overcrowding and brown, turning just once.
remove chicken to flame-proof dutch oven. repeat this until all chicken pieces are browned.
add leftover tbsp of oil to skillet and get that hot. add onion, pepper, garlic and mushrooms. stir and cook for about 6 minutes.
add wine and reduce for 1 minute. add tomatoes, oregano, thyme, salt and pepper and bay leaf and simmer.
put the chicken back into the skillet, cover, simmer for 30 minutes.
transfer chicken to serving platter. reduce onion/pepper/mushroom mixture in skillet, stirring until thick, about 4 minutes.
spoon mixture over chicken and top with fresh basil

this recipe is super for a cold weeknight dinner (uh, like tonight?) and since it is kind of a hodge-podge of ingredients, it's a pretty easy way to clean out the fridge without really trying.

back in the saddle

as you may or may not know, i 'slipped and fell on the ice' last month, resulting in a painful and annoying knee injury (have you ever tried to do last-minute xmas shopping on crutches?).

but today is a new day. today i am beginning my slow return to the gym (truth be told, i'm still a little scared of re-injury) and in honor of that return, i thought i'd showcase a great lo-cal chicken soup, perfect for cold winter nights and for shaving off some of that holiday pudge.

here 'tis:

4.5 c homemade (or store bought) low-sodium chicken stock
2 c water
1 piece fresh ginger, sliced
1 c sliced scallions (plus more for garnish if you wanna get fancy)
1 hot chile, chopped
1 bunch fresh dill
6 oz shitake mushrooms, caps sliced .25 in thick, stems reserved
1 lb boneless, skinless chicken breast
2 heads baby bok choy (or 1 regular), quartered into wedges

combine first six ingredients and reserved mushroom stems in medium pot over medium heat. bring to a low simmer.
add chicken and cook until instant-read thermometer reads 160 at the thickest part of meat (about 15 min).
remove chicken and strain broth through fine sieve, discarding solids.
return broth to pot and bring to simmer.
add sliced mushroom caps and bok choy and simmer until tender (about 5 min).
slice chicken, divide among bowls and ladle broth and veggies on top.
garnish with scallions if you must.

4 servings
(per serving)
191 cal
3 g fat
18g carb
27g protein

i promise, this recipe will do more to take off the pounds than these stupid things....

but it does look rather stimulating, doesn't it?
and are they drinking?

steak & blowjob hangover day!

okay,so yesterday was a great day (at least for the men in our lives), but today seems a bit lacking in, say, fabulous-ness.

we don't want to squander all of that hard-laid (haha) groundwork that we put in on steak and blowjob day by cruising through the next month. hells, no, ladies: we've got to trick these men into not just thinking, but truly believing that we are so exceptionally awesome that we absolutely definitely deserve jewelry, designer handbags, and matching stainless steel appliances.

this quick chili recipe will at least get you through dinner tonight:

1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1 lb lean ground beef
1 large onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 chili peppers (more if you dare), coarsely chopped
28-oz can chopped tomatoes
1 small can tomato paste
19-oz can black beans, rinsed and well-drained
1 tbsp dried oregano
1 tbsp dried basil
salt and pepper to taste (duh)

in large skillet heat olive oil over medium heat. add ground beef and cook until well browned. add onion and cook until soft. add garlic and chili peppers and cook until soft, about 5 min.

add chopped tomatoes and tomato paste. stir well and heat until bubbling.

add beans, spices, salt and pepper and turn to low heat. simmer for 20 min.
serve on its own or over elbow macaroni noodles.

30 min total 6 servings

get yourself some bonus points and do all the clean-up without bitching (yes, it's hard not to bitch, but just do it so you can get some sweet presents, okay?).

try this:
'hey, honey, i'll clean up. why don't you go relax and watch some tv?'
pour yourself a giant glass of wine, chug half, and bust those dishes out.
trust me, in a month it will ALL be worth it.

danny's secret salad dressing (ssshhhhh)

okay, so truthfully i don't really know if this salad dressing recipe is secret. for the sake of argument (and, because i am now posting it on my blog) let's say it's not really secret but only kind of secret.

this dressing is so simple, i can replicate it consistently regardless of how much pre-dinner vino i've had. yes, that simple. and delicious.

mince several cloves of fresh garlic
(an easy way to peel them is to chop off the gnarly
end and then smash the clove with the flat side of a broad knife).

in a small cream pitcher or coffee cup combine
garlic and approx 3 tbsp vegetable or canola oil.
squeeze juice of half a lemon into
mixture and season with salt and pepper to taste
(whenever tasting salad dressings, always taste dressing on lettuce).

stir vigorously while pouring over salad greens of your choosing. done.

this dressing is so light and flavorful, it's sure to get you to kick your ranch dressing habit. you'll never DREAM of drowning your salads in heavy dressings again!

the aftermath: new year's day brunch

after a night of whooping it up and letting it all hang out in to the wee hours of the night on new year's eve, the next morning can sometimes be a little harsh, to say the least. however, nothing can help set you on the right path for the new year ahead quite like a hearty, gourmet breakfast that guarantees to send that nasty hangover back to 2009 where it belongs.

this is one of my favorite breakfast/brunch recipes not only because it is easy and delicious, but also because it looks amazing and will be sure to impress whoever crowds around your kitchen table in the morning.

you will need:

1 loaf unsliced bread of your choosing (i like a hearty grain bread)
1 stick melted butter
5 eggs
1 lb cooked breakfast sausage, well-drained and crumbled
1 package cream cheese, cut into cubes
chives
parsley

hollow out the loaf, leaving the bottom intact, as well as 1" around the sides. brush with melted butter, both inside and out and toast in hot oven until golden (watch carefully!).

scramble eggs with cream cheese and chives (you can also add peppers or mushrooms or whatever else you feel like throwing in).

place layer of breakfast sausage inside toasted loaf and top with scrambled egg mixture. garnish with parsley and serve.

serves 6


combined with my famous bloody-mary's, this breakfast is sure to start your morning (and 2010) off right.

for the bloody-mary's use any store-bought mix and spice it up with a-1 steak sauce and cholula hot sauce. garnish with a lime and olive and you'll have one of the best-tasting quick bloody mary's you've ever tasted. oh, yeah: don't forget plenty of vodka in those bad boys!

enjoy and see you all next year!