brownie points

yesterday i gave you all a great stuffed sandwich recipe to serve at your superbowl party (you're welcome!) but then i got to thinking.....

what if other people are more popular than i am and actually get invited to parties instead of having to bribe people with food and alcohol into coming to my house?

hhmmm, what if, huh?

okay, well, if this unlikely circumstance applies to you and you will be attending a party elsewhere this sunday, be a good party guest and bring something (if you don't, that's fine, it's up to you--but you're going to look like an ungrateful mooch, just so you know).

when it comes to bringing food and supplies to a party, there are two ways that you simply cannot go wrong: booze and brownies.

booze, you know where to get (buy what YOU want to drink, not what's cheapest at the store).

now for the brownies!

deep chocolate brownies

2 sticks unsalted butter
8 oz fine-quality bittersweet chocolate (no more than 60% cacao)
2 c sugar
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
5 lrge eggs
2/3 c all-purpose flour
1/3 c unsweetened dutch-process cocoa powder
1/2 tsp salt

preheat oven to 350 with rack in middle. butter and flour 13x9 in baking pan.
melt butter and chocolate in 3 qt heavy saucepan over low heat, stirring until smooth. remove from heat and cool to lukewarm. whisk in sugar and vanilla. whisk in eggs 1 at a time until mixture is glossy and smooth.
whisk together flour, cocoa powder and salt, then whisk into chocolate mixture until combined.
spread in pan and bake until a pick inserted in center comes out with crumbs, 25-35 minutes.
cool completely.

these brownies are so freaking good, don't even think about making them for your household. these are strictly take-out-of-the-house brownies, got it?

oh, and resist the temptation (or insistence of the hostess) to take the leftovers home.
leave the damn brownies wherever you've taken them and let somebody else get fat on them, okay?

yeah, they're that good.

because i love men in tight pants.....

okay, so i mostly love the receivers in tight pants (some of the jiggly asses of those linemen have been known to give me nightmares), but i'm willing to accept the ugly in this world in order to get to the beauty that is reggie bush's backside.

oh, in case you totally suck jiggly-lineman-ass or are completely out of touch with reality and don't know jack-squat, the superbowl is this weekend and you are not only expected to watch the game (and not-as-good-as-they-used-to-be commercials) but also to feed the masses congregating in your living room.

here is an easy-peasy, do-the-night-before muffulatto (stuffed sandwich). give it to your guests and tell them to 'shut the hell up, the game's starting already!". enjoy!

muff-a-lotta (like i wasn't going to make that joke)

1 c fresh basil leaves
1/2 c pitted kalamata olives
1/4 c drained capers
1 tbsp chopped garlic
1/2 c olive oil
1 round 2lb loaf french bread
1 lb thinly sliced italian meats (salami, soppresatta, mortadella, etc)
1 lb thinly sliced provolone cheese
1 16oz jar of roasted red peppers, drained
1 lrge sweet onion, very thinly sliced
6 plum tomatoes, thinly sliced

in food processor, finely chop basil, olives, capers and garlic. add olive oil and mix until well blended. season with salt and pepper.
(this mixture can be made one day before assembling sandwich)

cut bread in 1/2 HORIZONTALLY!! remove enough of soft inside to leave 1in shell .
spread 1/2 of olive mixture on bottom of loaf.
create layers of meat, cheese, peppers, onions and tomatoes (it's okay if the layers seem to get out of control and overflow the loaf--this is one helluva sandwich, afterall).
spread remaining olive mixture over inside of the top bun, and press firmly onto sandwich.
wrap veryveryvery tightly in plastic wrap and refrigerate over night.

slice into wedges to serve.

my husband and his chunky friends go crazy for this sandwich, and if your superbowl guests don't, it's because they are fucking morons (no offense, but c'mon).


and now, for some men in tight pants!!!

told ya it would work...bitches!

okay, i am absolutley gloating over this one!

last week in the midst of a hissy fit (i couldn't get my produce drawer in the fridge to open, if you must know) i slammed my refrigerator door into one of my kitchen chairs, leaving an 8-in scratch on my fairly freshly painted wall.

aarrghhh!!

i was so pissed, not only because of the scratch, but doubly so because my propensity to be a big freakin' baby caused said scratch.

everyone i spoke with told me that i was relegated to filling the scratch with plaster, sanding the son-of-a-bitch down, and repainting the entire wall.
uh, no thanks.

instead, i threw all of the experts advice out the window and did what i had planned to do all along. cheat.

i was lucky enough to still have some of the beautiful red-orange paint in the garage, so all i did was crack that baby open, stir it with a wooden skewer, dip a q-tip into the paint can and retrace the scratch.

all the know-it-alls told me that there would be an obvious line where i had gone over the paint. those bastards were WRONG!
the wall looks flawless and my husband was at a loss when i asked him to tell me where i had repaired it.

boo-yah!

listen here, you little fucker.....

sew what?

we've all been there: the dreaded 'wardrobe malfunction'. luckily for most of us, the severity of our malfunctions are minor compared to some of the disasters suffered by celebrities and then posted for the whole world to see on gossip blogs (which i love, btw).

still, no one wants to be stranded in public with a missing shirt button or snapped bra strap. that's why every woman (and the few smart men out there) should carry an emergency sewing kit with them at all times.

all you need is a match box, a couple of needles, a small amount of thread, maybe an old cast-off button, and several safety pins.

the design of the match box keeps all of your supplies together and orderly in a compact enough size to slip into any purse, clutch or euro-man bag.


bonus tip!!: when re-attaching a button to a garment, slip a toothpick or safety pin between the button and cloth before sewing--this will prevent you from sewing the button too tightly to the garment, making it difficult to fasten.