ahhh, that's better!

so, it took me three days, but i've finally gotten myself out of my funk (i could've posted during that time, but trust me: i'm plenty good at spreading hate and misery in real-life, no need to infect the blogosphere).

i must admit, the beautiful flowers my beautiful husband surprised me with yesterday didn't hurt my return to the land of joyful people. the only problem? the vase i wanted to put them in is rather bulbous in nature, which means i have to pump that sucker full of water in order to reach the flower stems.

what now? how do i fix it? what little gem of wisdom do i hold onto for just such an occasion?

clear plastic straws, bitches!

just clip the straws to the desired length, slip them over the stems, and voila! this tip is also great because it helps keep the flowers, ahem, erect and at the most aesthetically pleasing height.

get your clear plastic straws ladies (no, we're not having an all-night party) 'cause if you followed my advice from a month ago, you should be expecting yourself some flowers 'shortly'.

ohhhh, bother

that's how i feel today.

quite honestly, i think i would be perfectly content with leaving my blog post at that, but then i would undoubtedly feel guilty about it later which would kind of defeat the whole purpose of not posting shit cuz i don't fucking feel like it (thanks, catholicism for teaching me that if it feels right, it can't possibly be--i love you for that).

okay, so i've now done my fair share of bitching, on to somethings that may or may not be quasi-useful to you:

when i get into a mood like the one i'm in, little things start to bug me that i am generally unphased by.
case in point--the slamming of cabinet doors.
i don't know why this sound makes me want to take a nail-gun to somebody's thigh, but it does, okay?
i know, i know, it's not really the problem of the person slamming the god-forsaken cabinet door as it is a faulty design within the cabinet, itself, but try telling my violent urges that.

solution to this problem that won't find me divorced and/or in jail and/or in the looney tunes discount bin?

thinly slice a wine cork (use a very sharp knife, but be careful!!) and super glue it to the inside corner of the door.

no more SLAM! SLAM! and thus, no more urge to seriously hurt my husband (at least over this minor issue).

aaahhhh.....serenity-fucking-now!

'nough said

sick of this: period

disclaimer: this post is about periods. menstrual cycles. 'that time of the month'. bleeding from the vagina because that's the way god made us, dammit! if you can't handle that, you are probably male and may not want to continue reading.
see ya back here tomorrow, though!

okay, on to business!
who loves their period?!? not many of us, and yet, each month, i am so ecstatic to get it is almost makes me forget the sensation of my uteran wall ripping itself from my body.

oh, the magic of anatomy.

like all of you, i consider my period to officially suck donkey balls. the cramping, the bloating, the umm, 'other' stomach issues. it's a party, i tell you what!

the other night i awoke in the middle of the night to the joy that is mother nature's monthly 'fuck you for being a woman' and could not for the life of me find my heating pad.

i loves me my heating pad when i'm cramping hardcore and my inability to find it at 4 am wasn't particularly setting very well with me.
i was thisfuckingclose to hopping in the car and driving to walgreens to get myself another one when suddenly inspiration hit!

i took a hand towel, soaked it, wrung it out and microwaved that bitch for about 3 minutes. when it came out of the microwave it was so hot i thought i was going to suffer first degree burns by laying it on my throbbing fupa. (if you don't know fupa, check it out here)

just what i needed!

i've heard that another great trick is to take an old sock, fill it with rice and then microwave that (okay, tie a knot in the sock then microwave it). no water necessary, which is nice seeing as my method tends to soak the bed (but i hurts so bad i just don't care!)

next month, when i'm sure to re-live this beautiful cycle of nature, i'm gonna try the rice idea. afterall, i've never really enjoyed sleeping in a wet spot (ewww, gross!!).

oh, yeah......this works, too:

omg! those superbowl decs are, like, so incredibly the ultimate cuteness!

ok, how great is this idea?

for your superbowl party, you don't really want to go too crazy with the decorations, it's supposed to be a casual day and you don't want to give the hubby any ideas (like, 'hey, that giant poster of john madden looks pretty good there in the entryway'----true story: i once had a 'fathead' plastered to my formal dining room wall for an entire week before i 'accidentally' tore it. if you don't know what a 'fathead' is: google it.)

so, anyway, you want something cute and festive, but not so over-the-top that it looks like you forgot that this is, essentially, a celebration of manliness.

tada!

this football field tablecloth is the perfect blend of omg!supercute! and heythat'sprettyneatforpartydecorationsiguess. a little something for everybody, no?

here's how we're gonna do it:
you need to get yo'self:
1 green tablecloth (i like those heavy ones that are wipeable on one side and that weird fabric to keep it from sliding on the other)
2 small plastic goalposts
several rolls of white medical adhesive tape
a ruler
scissors
maybe a hotglue gun

now here's what to do wit it:
lay tablecloth out on your snack table. find center of cloth with ruler (this is the 50yd line). determine length from 50 yd line to edge of table and divide by 7 (these are your yardage markers.
make a line with the medical tape at every 1/7 increment, until you get to the final two (the last section is double in size and represents your endzone).
repeat on opposite side of tablecloth.
if you are good enough, make yardage numbers (50, 40, 30 etc) using the tape. if you suck at this (like i do) hotglue number stickers along the corresponding lines.
finally, hotglue or duct tape the goal posts at the back of either endzone.

you is done!