Thursday, December 31, 2009


the aftermath: new year's day brunch

after a night of whooping it up and letting it all hang out in to the wee hours of the night on new year's eve, the next morning can sometimes be a little harsh, to say the least. however, nothing can help set you on the right path for the new year ahead quite like a hearty, gourmet breakfast that guarantees to send that nasty hangover back to 2009 where it belongs.

this is one of my favorite breakfast/brunch recipes not only because it is easy and delicious, but also because it looks amazing and will be sure to impress whoever crowds around your kitchen table in the morning.

you will need:

1 loaf unsliced bread of your choosing (i like a hearty grain bread)
1 stick melted butter
5 eggs
1 lb cooked breakfast sausage, well-drained and crumbled
1 package cream cheese, cut into cubes

hollow out the loaf, leaving the bottom intact, as well as 1" around the sides. brush with melted butter, both inside and out and toast in hot oven until golden (watch carefully!).

scramble eggs with cream cheese and chives (you can also add peppers or mushrooms or whatever else you feel like throwing in).

place layer of breakfast sausage inside toasted loaf and top with scrambled egg mixture. garnish with parsley and serve.

serves 6

combined with my famous bloody-mary's, this breakfast is sure to start your morning (and 2010) off right.

for the bloody-mary's use any store-bought mix and spice it up with a-1 steak sauce and cholula hot sauce. garnish with a lime and olive and you'll have one of the best-tasting quick bloody mary's you've ever tasted. oh, yeah: don't forget plenty of vodka in those bad boys!

enjoy and see you all next year!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

out with the with the bubbly

we did it! we've all survived the stress-inducing horror that is christmas! now, just one more holiday to get through and we'll all be home free until the nightmare that can be valentine's day rears it's ugly head.

to get us sanely into 2010, i've compiled some of my favorite anti-tips to help make your new year's celebration as easy and faux-pressive as possible.

if you are like me, you still have all of your christmas decorations up around your home. if you are going to be hosting this new year's a few quick and easy changes can update the look of your home so it doesn't look like you are the lazy sack that we all know we really are.

to begin, remove all ornaments from your tree, leaving only the lights (hopefully your tree is decked out in clear or white lights, if not restring the offending lights with pretty ones and remember not to make this mistake next year). hang tinsel SPARINGLY around the tree or spray with that fake glitter snow stuff. if your tree skirt is christmas themed, go to the fabric store and by a couple of yards of silver or gold fabric to drape around the base of the tree. done.

get rid of any and all red or green themed christmas decorations. no poinsettas, no holly, no santa snowmen or reindeer. get rid off all of that crap. christmas is over. you know it, your children know it, and trust me: your guests on new year's eve know it too. replace any bows or ribbons that you remove with silver or gold ribbon (your wreaths will look fresh in no time).

find as many clear glass containers as you can and fill them with gold or silver ball ornaments (bonus: these should be marked down up to 75% off at most stores). place the ornament-filled containers on mirrored panes, surrounded by tealights or other small candles in vases and hurricane glasses around your home. be careful of your placements, however: nothing kills a new year's eve party faster than a drunk party guest falling into one of your displays and subsequently setting your house on fire.

cover all table-top surfaces with white cloth to add a touch of elegance to the surroundings.

dim the lights, light the candles, and put on an up-beat playlist that will loop on it's own (it's always awkward when it suddenly gets all quiet and someone has to rush to re-start the that quiet moment is usually when i'm at the most embarrassing point possible in a story that i am telling a close confidante because i have obviously been over-served, even though i am the bartender, and i hate that).

if you feel the need to disguise your television, cue up an old black-and-white movie and turn the sound off.....just don't invite any stoners to your party because this will totally mesmerize them and they WILL camp out infront of the moving picture box for the rest of the party.

but most of all, to ensure that you have a great new year's eve party, make sure that you, as the hostess are having a great time. your guests will take their cues from you and if you are running around like a big stress-bucket, no one is going to be able to have a good time (unless they are hammered....which may be a result of trying to ignore the fact that you are a big stress-bucket). have fun, let loose: after midnight, who cares if the decorations hold up or the food stays fresh? you can worry about all of that stuff next year.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

i like martha just fine....

okay, so here's my first post on my new blog and before we get into all of the nitty-gritty, i want to clear some things up.

i like martha just fine. in fact, were i to actually meet her (which i never have or even come close to) i may very well absolutely adore her. who knows?

my blog's title does not refer to any pre-existing beef between me and martha, nor do i wish for it to imply that i hate her. rather, i am attempting to make a humourous comment on the types of tips and anti-tips i hope to bring to this space.

and boy, do i ever have some anti-tips. lazy housewives of the world unite! i do not know how to cook, sew, scrapbook or regrout my bathroom tile, and my friends and neighbors are none the wiser!

we can appear perfect without actually having to be perfect, which quite frankly makes us even more perfect than the seemingly perfect people on this earth (what a semi-perfect sentence, no?).

yes, martha stewart hates me, and if she doesn't yet, she soon will, once i get done educating the masses on how to fake a 'martha stewart existence' without all that skill and hardwork crap that is so often needed to complete her projects.

get ready, martha: it's about to be on :)