Saturday, March 27, 2010

time flies when....

oh goodness! i hadn't realized that i haven't updated in a week!

i have this stat counter thingy that tells me how many of you lovelys are checking in and i use it as a guide to help me know when to post.

traffic has been down lately, though everyone i run in to me stay motivated to post by telling your friends about the site and thus keeping my numbers up.

it makes me feel good about myself, too ;)

now, on to an actual post for y'alls:

today at work one of my co-workers had a pen explode ALL FUCKING OVER his shirt. we all thought for sure it was ruined 'til i remembered something that i learned from a bar regular just yesterday.

funny how the universe works, isn't it?

she swears by spraying the ink stain with hairspray before laundering. and not just spraying--like, fully all out saturating.

hope it works, caleb!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

gettin' fig-gy with it

i love fruit for dessert,
though for some reason i have never been much of a fan of fruit served in any way other than in it's purest form.

jellies, jams, fruit pies: none of them do it for me....
and yet, i know that the sweetness of fruit holds a special place in the dessert section of any fabulous menu.

this sweet, simple recipe fulfills my desire to enjoy fruit in a dessert setting, while still maintaining the integrity of fruit the way good ol' mamma nature intended.

figs with ricotta, honey and walnuts
5 servings

15 fresh figs, trimmed
1/2 c whole-milk ricotta cheese
(splurge on the good stuff: it's worth it)
1/3 c honey
1/3 c chopped walnuts

cut each fig into 4 wedges, cutting to, but not through, the base of fig.
spread wedges slightly apart; place 3 figs on each 0f 5 dessert plates.
spoon about 1 1/2 tsp cheese into each fig,
and spoon about 1 tbsp honey evenly around each serving of figs.

sprinkle each serving of figs with about 1 tbsp walnuts.


Monday, March 15, 2010

let's get crackin', yo

yes, i know it's not even st. patty's day yet, but i'm a sucker for outside influence and thus, have already begun to think about the impending easter season.

easter is one of my favorite holidays (trailing only the fourth of july and xmas) mostly because i love easter candy more than pizza/sushi/and baby lions combined. (just to clarify: i don't eat baby lions...i just love them a lot. no crazy 'you shouldn't be eating baby lion' comments, 'k?)

peeps, cadbury creme eggs (nevermind i haven't been able to actually finish one in years), brach's malts and jelly beans.

damn....i've bout given myself a glorious sugar high already!

and though it may seem a sacrilege that the things i mainly cherish about a holiday that celebrates the resurrection of a savior, i have found some beneficial things to love about the spring festivus, as well.

you know those little plastic eggs that have started popping up in just about every store imaginable? well, guess what? those suckers can come in mad handy.

i like to use them to carry around little odds and ends that always get lost in the bottom of my purse or the creases of my make-up bag.
i.e. bobby pins, small change, mints, etc.

if you have little ones at home, the colorful eggs work well as snack containers for small goldfish shaped crackers and tiny chocolate bits emblazoned with random letters.

best part?

they're reusable and thus
earth friendly
....and hey, who doesn't like that?

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

totally my bag, baby...

while some ideas for plastic baggies may seem more obvious than others (see above photo), the possibilities for uses are nearly endless.

just remember to clean out any residual (ahem) herbs before using your baggies for alternative projects such as these:

obviously, sealing bags work well as organizational tools (smaller ones to keep cosmetics together in your purse/larger ones to store pens and pencils in your junk drawer/etc).
trust me, it's WAY easier to find a giant plastic bag in your purse than your little itsy-bitsy lip gloss.

but i also like to use plastic baggies in the kitchen to help me pipe simple frosting (like for cupcakes) and fill pasta tubes.

it's super easy, and makes clean up a snap!

just fill the baggie with whatever medium you are working with, seal and snip a small hole in one corner of the bag. if the hole is not large enough, slowly make it bigger until desired size is achieved.


Saturday, March 6, 2010

here i am!

isn't it great how the phrase 'a couple' is so ambiguous?

'oh, i only had a couple of drinks after work'
'i've only had a couple of sexual partners'
'i've done drugs a couple of times, before'
'it's gonna take me a couple of days to pay you back'

and, 'i gonna post something in a couple of hours'

well, 48+ hours later, and here i am, bitches!

now, to get some shit accomplished right quick.

in the spirit of spring cleaning and all that jazz, i want to post about something that some of you, (ahem, YOU) may overlook during these springtime cleaning festival season.

clean up after your pet!
and not just when they leave a big steaming pile of shit somewhere.

a great way to remove pet hair from furniture, pet beds, toys, etc etc is to brush it off using a standard nail brush. way easy. way fast.

just because an item belongs to an animal does not give said-item the right to be a disgusting fucking mess. clean that shit!

show your love to your special little guy or lady and keep their environment as clean as is reasonably possible.

they are at your mercy, you know.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

jeez, you guys!

i'm workin' on it, okay?
i got a lot of stuff goin' on here and i'll post real soon.
like in a couple of hours.

so get off my fuckin' back.

hugs and kisses (cause i really do love you)

Monday, March 1, 2010

burn, baby, burn!

what a wonderful idea!

to preserve a beautiful candle, burn the wick enough to hollow out the center,

next time you need a li'l bit of ambiance, pop a votive in the crevice and voila! your treasured candle will last for ever and ever and ever and ever get the idea.

note: before displaying ANY candle, burn the wick for a classier look (i know, what's so fuckin' classy about a burnt candle wick, but it just is, okay?)


Saturday, February 27, 2010

fancy-schmancy chicken soup from a can!

sometimes in the middle of a saturday afternoon, i just want something hot and light to get me through 'til my late-night post-boozin' pizza binge. does that really make me so different from you?

i didn't think so.

anyway, most chicken soup from a can (or any soup in a can, for that matter) is usually pretty blaaaaand.

here is how to fix it into something enjoyable to eat!

prepare the damn soup however the can tells you (it's usually really complicated, like 'heat & eat').
top it off with a generous amount of cholula hot sauce, and the juice of half a lime.

technically, you're done,

but if you're feeling extra-super fancy on this particular saturday,
go ahead and dollup a little bit of sour cream on top and crumble some tortilla chips for even more added salt and calories.

what the hell, it's saturday!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

berry tasty, indeed

okay, so keeping in the theme of non-sequitors from last post, how's fruit dip for a topic out of fucking nowhere.

true, it's late february and, i could be wrong on this (i'm often wrong about stupid things that nobody cares about. i'm always right on really important smart people stuff), but i don't think many berries and such are currently in season.

that said, i totally went to town on a pint of strawberries tonight, which therefore, makes this post relevant.


one day i caught my polish mother-in-law mixing sour cream and powdered sugar. at first, i was appalled, but then i started to think about all of the other 'weird polish food things' that she does, and how they're almost always delicious, so i tried the weird sour-cream/sugar concoction.

no joke, is so freakin' good! (i imagine this in a brooklyn-style fake accent)

it is so easy: just add ingredients to taste and drizzle over sliced fruit (my faves are strawberries, blueberries and apples).

you is done.

Monday, February 22, 2010

oh, no he did-n't!

oh yes, he did!!

forgive my overly enthusiastic mood, but when you've discovered a new organizational technique that gets your hubby to say, in all seriousness,

'i really like that new thing with my drawers,'

well, then you've hit the mother-load!

i don't know why this didn't occur to me sooner....sometimes i guess i'm just a little slow on the uptake (shocker, huh?)

instead of folding and stacking t-shirts vertically
(often resulting in ruffled innocent bystanders),
fold them in half horizontally once more and
store file-cabinet style in your drawers.
the result is one-look inventory and neater dresser drawers!

and now, just for some non-sequitor fun.....

ha ha!! this cartoon could apply to either my hubby or to my wonderful sister who has a really cute blog at, but still has larger than normal feet for a girl ;)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

we missed it!!

happy belated 'love your pet day' y'all!!

i would say i can't believe i missed it, but i totally can. i miss everything because i am 1) lazy and 2) self-centered.

howevs, one special little lady that i am not self-centered about is my lovely little kitty, berrian (she's an inspiration to plus-size kitties everywhere!).

i love my little bear, just like i'm sure so many of you love your special animal friends, so in honor of national 'love your pet day' we're gonna spoil them like they do on the discovery channel (oh, wait, no--that's both gross and morally objectable. let's say animal planet instead).

homemade kitty treats

6 oz can of tuna

1/4 c water drained from tuna

3 tbsp cooked egg white, chopped

1/4 c cornmeal

1/2 c whole wheat flour

preheat oven to 350. combine tuna, egg white and water. add cornmeal and flour and blend to form a dough. knead into ball and roll to 1/4 in thick. cut into 1 in sized pieces and bake at 350 for 20 min.

makes 12 kitty cookies

homemade doggie biscuits

2 tbsp canola or vegetable oil

1/2 c peanut butter

1 c water

1 1/2 c whole wheat flour

1 1/2 c white flour

preheat oven to 350. combine oil, peanut butter and water. add flour, one cup at a time until form a dough. knead dough into ball and roll until 1/4 in thick. cut into 3 or 4 in pieces. place on ungreased cookie sheet and bake at 350 for 20 min.

makes 36 biscuits

such an easy way to show your love (and honestly, i think both recipes deserve at least a try on the ol' human taste buds).

and guess what, your pet doesn't know we missed the offical holiday, and even if they did, they wouldn't care....berrian knows i had a very busy day of drinking wine, doing crossword puzzles and watching dvred episodes of project runway yesterday.
lucky for her, i love her enough to squeeze some time for her into my busy schedule....she's gonna be getting lots of extra guilt-ridden belly rubs today!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

faking it

damn, i'm giving away all my good secrets!!

this one is too easy, practical and, errruhhhh, satisfying to keep to myself, though.
i am so generous (smiley).

quick-clean between serious cleaning sessions by trying some (or all) of these tipperoos. (even if you do ALL of these tips, total cleaning time, is like 10 minutes, i swear--if you don't drag your ass)

**in the bathroom, take the dirty hand towel and wet a small section with water. wipe down sink, edges of bathtub, toilet tops, yada yada whatever's dirty. use dry section of towel to once-over all areas cleaned, picking up any residual gunk.

**wash all dishes in kitchen. clear counter and tabletops of as much clutter as possible. either put stuff where it obviously belongs, or shove it in the junk-drawer (we all have one) and go find it later. quickly wipe down all grungy surfaces.

**in rooms where pile-up is bound to happen (the family room, for examp) stack like-objects together and place out of the way.

**clear jackets and shoes out of entry-way (when someone walks in, the entry is the first thing they see to represent your home).

**light a scented candle.

'cause, hey--if you're gonna be caught on the couch with a glass of wine when your signif other gets home from work, it's kind of nice to atleast be sitting in a clean house.

ya know?

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

you got no taste...

last night i made a casserole that, well, sucked big freakin' time.

i am at my best when i am reading a recipe in front of my face, with actual measurements and ingredients and stuff.

my husband, a chef, likes to just kind of throw a whole bunch of seemingly normal stuff together, season it lightly and bask in the glory of the food he has created.

so, when he told me to: combine pasta, veggies, chicken, and cheese and make it a casserole, i was kind of at a loss as to what to do.

the end result was edible (i knew enough, at least, to pre-cook the pasta) though hardly flavorful.

i thought it was a total bust, but my hubby told me how to fix it. and it was super-easy!

okay, put entire casserole in a large stainless steel bowl. chop up chicken if still in larger pieces. add soy sauce and lemon pepper to taste.
return to casserole pan, re-cover with cheese, and bake at 250 until warm.

way, totally better!!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

happy early vd-day!

oh, i mean v-day.


ahhh, that's better!

so, it took me three days, but i've finally gotten myself out of my funk (i could've posted during that time, but trust me: i'm plenty good at spreading hate and misery in real-life, no need to infect the blogosphere).

i must admit, the beautiful flowers my beautiful husband surprised me with yesterday didn't hurt my return to the land of joyful people. the only problem? the vase i wanted to put them in is rather bulbous in nature, which means i have to pump that sucker full of water in order to reach the flower stems.

what now? how do i fix it? what little gem of wisdom do i hold onto for just such an occasion?

clear plastic straws, bitches!

just clip the straws to the desired length, slip them over the stems, and voila! this tip is also great because it helps keep the flowers, ahem, erect and at the most aesthetically pleasing height.

get your clear plastic straws ladies (no, we're not having an all-night party) 'cause if you followed my advice from a month ago, you should be expecting yourself some flowers 'shortly'.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

ohhhh, bother

that's how i feel today.

quite honestly, i think i would be perfectly content with leaving my blog post at that, but then i would undoubtedly feel guilty about it later which would kind of defeat the whole purpose of not posting shit cuz i don't fucking feel like it (thanks, catholicism for teaching me that if it feels right, it can't possibly be--i love you for that).

okay, so i've now done my fair share of bitching, on to somethings that may or may not be quasi-useful to you:

when i get into a mood like the one i'm in, little things start to bug me that i am generally unphased by.
case in point--the slamming of cabinet doors.
i don't know why this sound makes me want to take a nail-gun to somebody's thigh, but it does, okay?
i know, i know, it's not really the problem of the person slamming the god-forsaken cabinet door as it is a faulty design within the cabinet, itself, but try telling my violent urges that.

solution to this problem that won't find me divorced and/or in jail and/or in the looney tunes discount bin?

thinly slice a wine cork (use a very sharp knife, but be careful!!) and super glue it to the inside corner of the door.

no more SLAM! SLAM! and thus, no more urge to seriously hurt my husband (at least over this minor issue).


Monday, February 8, 2010

'nough said

sick of this: period

disclaimer: this post is about periods. menstrual cycles. 'that time of the month'. bleeding from the vagina because that's the way god made us, dammit! if you can't handle that, you are probably male and may not want to continue reading.
see ya back here tomorrow, though!

okay, on to business!
who loves their period?!? not many of us, and yet, each month, i am so ecstatic to get it is almost makes me forget the sensation of my uteran wall ripping itself from my body.

oh, the magic of anatomy.

like all of you, i consider my period to officially suck donkey balls. the cramping, the bloating, the umm, 'other' stomach issues. it's a party, i tell you what!

the other night i awoke in the middle of the night to the joy that is mother nature's monthly 'fuck you for being a woman' and could not for the life of me find my heating pad.

i loves me my heating pad when i'm cramping hardcore and my inability to find it at 4 am wasn't particularly setting very well with me.
i was thisfuckingclose to hopping in the car and driving to walgreens to get myself another one when suddenly inspiration hit!

i took a hand towel, soaked it, wrung it out and microwaved that bitch for about 3 minutes. when it came out of the microwave it was so hot i thought i was going to suffer first degree burns by laying it on my throbbing fupa. (if you don't know fupa, check it out here)

just what i needed!

i've heard that another great trick is to take an old sock, fill it with rice and then microwave that (okay, tie a knot in the sock then microwave it). no water necessary, which is nice seeing as my method tends to soak the bed (but i hurts so bad i just don't care!)

next month, when i'm sure to re-live this beautiful cycle of nature, i'm gonna try the rice idea. afterall, i've never really enjoyed sleeping in a wet spot (ewww, gross!!).

oh, yeah......this works, too:

Friday, February 5, 2010

omg! those superbowl decs are, like, so incredibly the ultimate cuteness!

ok, how great is this idea?

for your superbowl party, you don't really want to go too crazy with the decorations, it's supposed to be a casual day and you don't want to give the hubby any ideas (like, 'hey, that giant poster of john madden looks pretty good there in the entryway'----true story: i once had a 'fathead' plastered to my formal dining room wall for an entire week before i 'accidentally' tore it. if you don't know what a 'fathead' is: google it.)

so, anyway, you want something cute and festive, but not so over-the-top that it looks like you forgot that this is, essentially, a celebration of manliness.


this football field tablecloth is the perfect blend of omg!supercute! and heythat'sprettyneatforpartydecorationsiguess. a little something for everybody, no?

here's how we're gonna do it:
you need to get yo'self:
1 green tablecloth (i like those heavy ones that are wipeable on one side and that weird fabric to keep it from sliding on the other)

2 small plastic goalposts

several rolls of white medical adhesive tape

a ruler


maybe a hotglue gun

now here's what to do wit it:

lay tablecloth out on your snack table. find center of cloth with ruler (this is the 50yd line). determine length from 50 yd line to edge of table and divide by 7 (these are your yardage markers.
make a line with the medical tape at every 1/7 increment, until you get to the final two (the last section is double in size and represents your endzone).
repeat on opposite side of tablecloth.

if you are good enough, make yardage numbers (50, 40, 30 etc) using the tape. if you suck at this (like i do) hotglue number stickers along the corresponding lines.

finally, hotglue or duct tape the goal posts at the back of either endzone.

you is done!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

brownie points

yesterday i gave you all a great stuffed sandwich recipe to serve at your superbowl party (you're welcome!) but then i got to thinking.....

what if other people are more popular than i am and actually get
invited to parties instead of having to bribe people with food and alcohol into coming to my house?

hhmmm, what if, huh?

okay, well, if this unlikely circumstance applies to you and you will be attending a party elsewhere this sunday, be a good party guest and bring something (if you don't, that's fine, it's up to you--but you're going to look like an ungrateful mooch, just so you know).

when it comes to bringing food and supplies to a party, there are two ways that you simply cannot go wrong: booze and brownies.

booze, you know where to get (buy what YOU want to drink, not what's cheapest at the store).

now for the brownies!

deep chocolate brownies

2 sticks unsalted butter
8 oz fine-quality bittersweet chocolate (no more than 60% cacao)
2 c sugar
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
5 lrge eggs
2/3 c all-purpose flour
1/3 c unsweetened dutch-process cocoa powder
1/2 tsp salt

preheat oven to 350 with rack in middle. butter and flour 13x9 in baking pan.
melt butter and chocolate in 3 qt heavy saucepan over low heat, stirring until smooth. remove from heat and cool to lukewarm. whisk in sugar and vanilla. whisk in eggs 1 at a time until mixture is glossy and smooth.
whisk together flour, cocoa powder and salt, then whisk into chocolate mixture until combined.
spread in pan and bake until a pick inserted in center comes out with crumbs, 25-35 minutes.
cool completely.

these brownies are so freaking good, don't even think about making them for your household. these are strictly take-out-of-the-house brownies, got it?

oh, and resist the temptation (or insistence of the hostess) to take the leftovers home.
leave the damn brownies wherever you've taken them and let somebody else get fat on them, okay?

yeah, they're that good.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

because i love men in tight pants.....

okay, so i mostly love the receivers in tight pants (some of the jiggly asses of those linemen have been known to give me nightmares), but i'm willing to accept the ugly in this world in order to get to the beauty that is reggie bush's backside.

oh, in case you totally suck jiggly-lineman-ass or are completely out of touch with reality and don't know jack-squat, the superbowl is this weekend and you are not only expected to watch the game (and not-as-good-as-they-used-to-be commercials) but also to feed the masses congregating in your living room.

here is an easy-peasy, do-the-night-before muffulatto (stuffed sandwich). give it to your guests and tell them to 'shut the hell up, the game's starting already!". enjoy!

muff-a-lotta (like i wasn't going to make that joke)

1 c fresh basil leaves
1/2 c pitted kalamata olives
1/4 c drained capers
1 tbsp chopped garlic
1/2 c olive oil
1 round 2lb loaf french bread
1 lb thinly sliced italian meats (salami, soppresatta, mortadella, etc)
1 lb thinly sliced provolone cheese
1 16oz jar of roasted red peppers, drained
1 lrge sweet onion, very thinly sliced
6 plum tomatoes, thinly sliced

in food processor, finely chop basil, olives, capers and garlic. add olive oil and mix until well blended. season with salt and pepper.
(this mixture can be made one day before assembling sandwich)

cut bread in 1/2 HORIZONTALLY!! remove enough of soft inside to leave 1in shell .

spread 1/2 of olive mixture on bottom of loaf.
create layers of meat, cheese, peppers, onions and tomatoes (it's okay if the layers seem to get out of control and overflow the loaf--this is one helluva sandwich, afterall).
spread remaining olive mixture over inside of the top bun, and press firmly onto sandwich.
wrap veryveryvery tightly in plastic wrap and refrigerate over night.

slice into wedges to serve.

my husband and his chunky friends go crazy for this sandwich, and if your superbowl guests don't, it's because they are fucking morons (no offense, but c'mon).

and now, for some men in tight pants!!!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

told ya it would work...bitches!

okay, i am absolutley gloating over this one!

last week in the midst of a hissy fit (i couldn't get my produce drawer in the fridge to open, if you must know) i slammed my refrigerator door into one of my kitchen chairs, leaving an 8-in scratch on my fairly freshly painted wall.


i was so pissed, not only because of the scratch, but doubly so because my propensity to be a big freakin' baby caused said scratch.

everyone i spoke with told me that i was relegated to filling the scratch with plaster, sanding the son-of-a-bitch down, and repainting the entire wall.
uh, no thanks.

instead, i threw all of the experts advice out the window and did what i had planned to do all along. cheat.

i was lucky enough to still have some of the beautiful red-orange paint in the garage, so all i did was crack that baby open, stir it with a wooden skewer, dip a q-tip into the paint can and retrace the scratch.

all the know-it-alls told me that there would be an obvious line where i had gone over the paint. those bastards were WRONG!
the wall looks flawless and my husband was at a loss when i asked him to tell me where i had repaired it.


listen here, you little fucker.....

Monday, February 1, 2010

sew what?

we've all been there: the dreaded 'wardrobe malfunction'. luckily for most of us, the severity of our malfunctions are minor compared to some of the disasters suffered by celebrities and then posted for the whole world to see on gossip blogs (which i love, btw).

still, no one wants to be stranded in public with a missing shirt button or snapped bra strap. that's why every woman (and the few smart men out there) should carry an emergency sewing kit with them at all times.

all you need is a match box, a couple of needles, a small amount of thread, maybe an old cast-off button, and several safety pins.

the design of the match box keeps all of your supplies together and orderly in a compact enough size to slip into any purse, clutch or euro-man bag.

bonus tip!!: when re-attaching a button to a garment, slip a toothpick or safety pin between the button and cloth before sewing--this will prevent you from sewing the button too tightly to the garment, making it difficult to fasten.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

litter liner laundry

all of this cold cold weather lately has been making me wish i was somewhere warmer. somewhere tropical. somewhere requiring at least a four hour plane ride to reach.

i love traveling, though i often hate all that goes along with it.

one of the biggest pain-in-the-butt issues that comes up on my trips is 'what to do with the dirty laundry?'.
both my husband and i are extreme over-packers and frequently change our clothing three or four times a day while on vacation (you HAVE to change that often if you want to wear everything you brought, after all). this leaves us with quite a bit of dirty laundry that needs to be hauled back home.

you don't want to just throw the dirty clothes in with the clean ones, and you don't want to have to purchase an extra suitcase to lug all that stinky crap home in, so what's a world-traveler to do?

my trick (which i came across entirely by accident): jumbo scented litter box liners!

the jumbo sized liners are large enough to hold several days worth of laundry and the fresh scent masks any lingering funk.

i keep a large box on hand (okay, originally i bought the wrong size for my kitty's box) and throw a couple of the liners into the suitcase before we leave.
when we get back home, all the laundry is sorted and ready for the wash!

now, i just need to find somewhere to go......

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

a grater way to clean

need an easier way to clean off your cheese grater after each use?

try using one of those little fingernail brushes your grandma used to keep by the 'garden sink' to clean her nails.

by rubbing the brush opposite of the grates, you can easily remove any oil or rind remnants left from whatever you were grating/zesting.

added bonus: since you are now 'in the know' on how to clean this little contraption with ease, try buying bulk cheeses from the store and shredding your own. you'll save some real moo-lah (bad joke, i know)

courtesy of the one and only, amy sedaris

my undying love for all things amy sedaris is no secret.
this recipe of her's is no secret, either: it's straight from her new york times bestseller entertaining guide, i like you by amy sedaris: hospitality under the influence.

chicken snatchatore
(serves 4-6)

8 pieces chicken
3 tbsp olive oil
1 sliced onion
1 bell pepper
2 minced cloves garlic
1/2 c dry white wine (if you have to buy more and drink the excess, so be it)
1 tsp dried thyme
2 tbsp minced fresh basil
1 bay leaf
salt and pepper to taste
1 can peeled tomatoes, drained and chopped up
4 oz fresh chopped mushrooms

heat 2 tbsp of oil in large skillet over med heat. place as many pieces of chicken in skillet without overcrowding and brown, turning just once.
remove chicken to flame-proof dutch oven. repeat this until all chicken pieces are browned.
add leftover tbsp of oil to skillet and get that hot. add onion, pepper, garlic and mushrooms. stir and cook for about 6 minutes.
add wine and reduce for 1 minute. add tomatoes, oregano, thyme, salt and pepper and bay leaf and simmer.
put the chicken back into the skillet, cover, simmer for 30 minutes.
transfer chicken to serving platter. reduce onion/pepper/mushroom mixture in skillet, stirring until thick, about 4 minutes.
spoon mixture over chicken and top with fresh basil

this recipe is super for a cold weeknight dinner (uh, like tonight?) and since it is kind of a hodge-podge of ingredients, it's a pretty easy way to clean out the fridge without really trying.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

don't go breakin' my art

hey, guys, remember me? sorry for break in all this exciting marthastewarthatesme action but i've got a life to live outside of this blog-o-sphere, and quite frankly, sometimes that life involves copious amounts of alcohol. m'bad.

last night, in a 'private' moment, my husband and i accidentally knocked over and broke a ceramic lamp.

waking up to the aftermath this morning (yeah, i leave broken lamps on the floor overnight, okay? who do you think i am? martha-freaking-stewart?) i began searching for a way to salvage what i could from the wreckage.

i came across this fairly easy mosaic tile project and am planning on employing all the craftiness i can muster to see it out.

the directions to this project seem long, but trust me, they are pretty basic and i have absolute faith in you (and a little less so in myself) that we can pull this off.

here we go:

to make a 7" x 10" mosaic plaque or trivet you will need:

1 - wood cut out of the shape you desire (close to the above size guidelines)

1 - 1 square foot equivalent of ceramic plates or dishes

2 - cups of tile grout

white glue, water, masking tape, large heavy duty ziploc bag, hammer, container for grout, sandpaper, sponge, soft rag, sawtooth hanger (if making a plaque)

to prepare ceramic tile or dishes for use, place a couple into the large ziploc bag and seal. hammer until medium is broken up into pieces of various sizes.

remove from bag to your work area and continue this process until all tile is broken up.

leaving a 1/2" margin between ceramic edge and edge of your shape, lay all of the edge pieces in place first, without glue. be sure to leave space between each piece for tile grout. when you have your outer edge exactly as you want it, go back over it and glue each piece into place, one at a time.

once your edge is on and dry, you can continue this same process with the remainder of your plaque or trivet.

it usually works best to lay out and glue a section at a time. if you get near the end and find you don't have quite the right fit, you can recreate the edges with a hammer or a bevel, but remember, the coolness of mosaic lies in the irregularities of the shapes; pieces that fit perfectly together will actually detract from your finished project's overall efftect.

once your shape is covered it needs to completely dry for a minimum of 8 hours.

before grouting, cover the wooden edges of your plaque/trivet with masking tape. mix your grout and water in the container until the grout is smooth and creamy.

important note: you should be careful to not let any grout go down a sink drain as it will set in there and block your pipes.

using your hand for best results, put a pile of grout in the very middle of the plaque and work it evenly from the center to all of the edges until entire plaque or trivet is covered. using your hand again, immediately remove the excess and let it set for 12 hours.

once it has set, take a wet sponge and wipe off the tile with a wet sponge. do this several times, rinsing the sponge out between each use.

at this time, if you see any uneven grout or air holes you can fill them in with more grout.

it again needs to set for another 1/2 hour. wipe once again with a lightly damp sponge.

let set for 20 minutes this time. once the 20 minutes is up, take the soft rag and "polish" the plaque/trivet.

at this point you can remove the masking tape and attach your hanger, if so desired.

you can do eeeettt!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

i can see clearly now...

unfortunately the rain isn't gone today, but i can still see clearly thanks to my brand-spankin-new glasses (which i lurve, by the way).

to celebrate the wonderment that is clear vision, i've got a super tip to keep your mirrors and windows free of those pesky streak marks:

this tip is an oldy but a goody as far as i'm concerned because i've known it, like, forever and a day, but i'm still amazed at how many people i encounter that have never heard of this trick (come to think of it, i'm also amazed how many people i have the occasion to speak to about streak-free windows).

instead of using paper towels to clean your windows and mirrors, try using newspaper. i don't know why this works, but i swear it does.

maybe it has to do with the ink on the pages. maybe it has to do with the type of paper, itself. who knows and, frankly, who really cares.
bottom line is, i can't remember the last time i used anything but newspaper to clean my mirrors and i've been loving what i see looking back at me ever since.

p.s. anyone in the central illinois area that's looking for an awesome selection of eye glasses with service to match, check out julen's opticians in the round barn shopping center, champaign. they're the best and i am soooo happy i followed up the recommendation given to me to go there.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

back in the saddle

as you may or may not know, i 'slipped and fell on the ice' last month, resulting in a painful and annoying knee injury (have you ever tried to do last-minute xmas shopping on crutches?).

but today is a new day. today i am beginning my slow return to the gym (truth be told, i'm still a little scared of re-injury) and in honor of that return, i thought i'd showcase a great lo-cal chicken soup, perfect for cold winter nights and for shaving off some of that holiday pudge.

here 'tis:

4.5 c homemade (or store bought) low-sodium chicken stock
2 c water
1 piece fresh ginger, sliced
1 c sliced scallions (plus more for garnish if you wanna get fancy)
1 hot chile, chopped
1 bunch fresh dill
6 oz shitake mushrooms, caps sliced .25 in thick, stems reserved
1 lb boneless, skinless chicken breast
2 heads baby bok choy (or 1 regular), quartered into wedges

combine first six ingredients and reserved mushroom stems in medium pot over medium heat. bring to a low simmer.
add chicken and cook until instant-read thermometer reads 160 at the thickest part of meat (about 15 min).
remove chicken and strain broth through fine sieve, discarding solids.
return broth to pot and bring to simmer.
add sliced mushroom caps and bok choy and simmer until tender (about 5 min).
slice chicken, divide among bowls and ladle broth and veggies on top.
garnish with scallions if you must.

4 servings
(per serving)
191 cal
3 g fat
18g carb
27g protein

i promise, this recipe will do more to take off the pounds than these stupid things....

but it does look rather stimulating, doesn't it?
and are they drinking?

Monday, January 18, 2010

i'm funna clean yo closet (in a good way)

ahhh, closets.
what a great metaphor for human existence, huh?
cram all your clutter and crap that you don't really want to think about, but might someday be inclined to desperately need, into a an inadequately small space, slam the door and hide it all from the world.

what's not to love?

the problem with messy closets is, though they may leave the rest of your home or office looking neat and tidy with minimal effort, you know what's behind that door.
you know that you are a poser and that at any moment your horrible secret could come crashing out for all to see.

if you have messy closets you are, essentially, a big fat liar and an awful human being.

now that ive got you motivated (i learned this technique from my eastern-european mother-in-law): ready to clean?

yeah, me neither, but we have to do it anyway.

closet cleaning 099 (we'll get to 101 once your grades improve)

step 1: decide the function of your space.
is this closet for storing clothing? gift wrapping paper? important paperwork? cleaning supplies? you don't get to pick them all for one space, so just get over it. figure out what belongs in this space and get all of the other crap out of there.

step 2: take everything out of the closet.
yeah, that's right. you're going to make a mess, but guess what? that's how you clean. things get messier in life before they get cleaner. haven't you ever seen a disney movie?

step 3: go through each piece one at a time.
this step can be tedious, but it is essential in weeding out all the trash/ugly junk/broken stuff/where in the hell did that come from kind of items.
if you haven't worn it in at least a year: pitch it.
if it no longer fits your growing body: lose it (the article, not the weight).
if it needs repair: for christ's sake fix it or get rid of it.
c'mon, are these rules really that hard to follow?

if you are experiencing a particularly difficult time discarding items, pour yourself a giant glass of red wine and watch the first 20 min of an episode of hoarders. now get back to work.

step 4: utilize shelf space.
do not hang sweaters.
or else i will be able to spot you from 40 paces as an idiot who doesn't know how to care for their clothing by the little devil horns popping out of your shoulders.
fold sweaters and store in small stacks with the heavier sweaters on the bottom, lighter on top to avoid distorting their shapes.
jeans, sweatshirts and knits also store well when folded.

step5: get creative.
there are a ga-jillion ways to use your brain, so you might as well exercise your creativity a little bit when it comes to organizing your closet.
shower curtain hooks work well to hang purses, belts and scarves from closet rods, for instance.
use an empty case of wine (you know you have them laying around) to store flip-flops and other flat shoes. wrap the case in pretty paper if you're a perfectionist.

okay, we've completed our first seminar in closet organization. yes cleaning and organizing sucks super big time, but so does living with the knowledge that at any moment a houseguest, child or spouse could unsuspectingly open THAT closet door and all the crap you've been stockpiling since your first my little pony play stable could come spilling out. then you have to clean it, anyway.

remember: there's a reason monsters live in closets.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

weddings are better when you're drinking

i think the title of this post says it all. however, let's all keep in mind the sassy lady from the video on the previous post and not over do it, 'k?

oh, what the hell. overdo it if you want.
if you're the bride or groom, everyone will understand you trying to drink your way through the day.
if you're a member of the wedding party or just a lowly guest, if you make a big enough scene, you'll get yourself out of wedding obligations for a loooong time. good plan, huh?


wedding cake martini
2 oz vanilla vodka
1 oz coconut rum
splash of pineapple juice
splash of grenadine

shake and strain

bridesmaid cooler
3 oz gin
1 oz lemon juice
.5 oz simple syrup
dash angostura bitters
3 oz ginger ale

serve over ice with lemon garnish

happily ever after
2 oz peach schnapps
1 oz cranberry juice
1 oz ginger ale

serve over ice

jameson straight up
because sometimes you need something a bit stronger to get you through

hey! watch out for that wedding guest!


honor thy matron, oh wait....that's not exactly what she asked me

i am very much pro-marriage/anti-wedding (it's kind of like being pro-choice/anti-abortion).

that said, i'm about to get my crazy on for the next seven months or so, as i have been asked to be matron of honor for my best-friend's wedding ceremony.

i admit, i'm excited and honored, but also scared to all-holy-hell about what this might all entail (hey, i've seen an episode or two of bridezillas). this is why i chose to elope: i don't like messing with more bullshit than i have to--come to think of it, maybe i'm not the best choice for this job.

but, like any other job that i have been offered in my life where i knew i was vastly unqualified, i am going to blindly accept and hope i don't fuck everything up (don't worry, falon, i probably won't ruin the most important day or your and aaron's shared life--probably).

in honor of falon's upcoming big day (and her friend shalimar's, too, who actually bought her wedding dress yesterday) i'm gonna start what will most likely become the first of many wedding idea posts.

i can't believe i'm doing this.

first of all, who says the dress has to be white? I think cream, soft silvers and pale pinks and yellows all look really unique and sophisticated. my own 'wedding dress' was a white sundress with embroidered green vines crawling up from the bottom. it's white, but it's not.

splashes of color add pop and help show the bride's personality. plus, really, how many of us are how-do-you-say 'morally pure' on our wedding day anymore?

(except for shalimar, who is a wonderfully sweet girl who i am sure has every right to wear the sparkling white dress that she cannot return because she has already paid for it.)

okay, that's enough for now (i know, low tolerance for wedding ideas, huh?) but i can guarantee that there will be plenty more of this craziness to come in the months ahead.

heaven help me.

Friday, January 15, 2010

steak & blowjob hangover day!

okay,so yesterday was a great day (at least for the men in our lives), but today seems a bit lacking in, say, fabulous-ness.

we don't want to squander all of that hard-laid (haha) groundwork that we put in on steak and blowjob day by cruising through the next month. hells, no, ladies: we've got to trick these men into not just thinking, but truly believing that we are so exceptionally awesome that we absolutely definitely deserve jewelry, designer handbags, and matching stainless steel appliances.

this quick chili recipe will at least get you through dinner tonight:

1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1 lb lean ground beef

1 large onion, chopped

3 cloves garlic, minced

2 chili peppers (more if you dare), coarsely chopped

28-oz can chopped tomatoes

1 small can tomato paste

19-oz can black beans, rinsed and well-drained

1 tbsp dried oregano

1 tbsp dried basil

salt and pepper to taste (duh)

in large skillet heat olive oil over medium heat. add ground beef and cook until well browned. add onion and cook until soft. add garlic and chili peppers and cook until soft, about 5 min.

add chopped tomatoes and tomato paste. stir well and heat until bubbling.

add beans, spices, salt and pepper and turn to low heat. simmer for 20 min.
serve on its own or over elbow macaroni noodles.

30 min total
6 servings

get yourself some bonus points and do all the clean-up without bitching (yes, it's hard not to bitch, but just do it so you can get some sweet presents, okay?).

try this:
'hey, honey, i'll clean up. why don't you go relax and watch some tv?'
pour yourself a giant glass of wine, chug half, and bust those dishes out.
trust me, in a month it will ALL be worth it.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

steak & blowjob day!

today is a very important holiday, ladies. how you perform today will determine just how good your feb 14th is this year.

steak and blowjob day was created as a way for women to sucker their men into getting them really awesome and expensive v-day gifts (jewelry, designer handbags, matching stain-less steel appliances, you get the idea).

we celebrate this prestigious holiday every jan 14, one month before the biggest female-oriented holiday in the world. this gives our guys plenty of shopping/spending time before the big day!

see how smart we are?

now, keep in mind that, like all holidays, it is important that each person finds their own way of celebrating. the words 'steak' and 'blowjob' are merely suggestions--not absolute rules.

bottom line: figure outyour guy's sweet spot (you should, truthfully, already know it by now) and milk it for all it's worth.

you can all thank me next month!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

getcha-getcha-getchur bleach-on

want spotless linens? go solid white.

it may seem counter-intuitive, but clean white towels and bedsheets look and feel fresh and are surprisingly easy to keep looking that way (here's a hint: hella bleach, yo).

i like to keep extra hand towels at the ready so if visitors stop by i can quickly swap out the dirty towels for fresh ones.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010


here's a use for a turkey baster that you may have never thought of (no, not that idea, we've all had that one):

use a turkey baster to skim the gross stuff from your flower vases and to add fresh water to your arrangements without disturbing them.

faux-pressive, indeed!

Monday, January 11, 2010

'nough said

we're gonna have a cele-bration!

in honor of my husband's super fantastic score on the GRE today, we're drinkin' some wine over here!

which got me to thinking about glassware at cocktails and dinner parties. i once knew a girl who had all mismatched glassware, but with similar motifs.

it was a really cute, eclectic collection and it made it so much easier to keep track of which random wine glass was yours.

tacky wine charms, i banish thee!

snow big deal

before shoveling your driveway or sidewalk, liberally spray your shovel on both sides with cooking spray before you begin to clear snow. the snow and ice that usually builds up on the shovel will slide right off, so the job that already sucks won't suck any more than it absolutely has to.

ahhh, childhood memories....

just kidding about the childhood memories thing, mom (not really, everybody else).

and how creepy is that clown cookie jar?

Saturday, January 9, 2010

'nough said

danny's secret salad dressing (ssshhhhh)

okay, so truthfully i don't really know if this salad dressing recipe is secret. for the sake of argument (and, because i am now posting it on my blog) let's say it's not really secret but only kind of secret.

this dressing is so simple, i can replicate it consistently regardless of how much pre-dinner vino i've had. yes, that simple. and delicious.

mince several cloves of fresh garlic
(an easy way to peel them is to chop off the gnarly
end and then smash the clove with the flat side of a broad knife).

in a small cream pitcher or coffee cup combine
garlic and approx 3 tbsp vegetable or canola oil.
squeeze juice of half a lemon into
mixture and season with salt and pepper to taste
(whenever tasting salad dressings, always taste dressing on lettuce).

stir vigorously while pouring over salad greens of your choosing. done.

this dressing is so light and flavorful, it's sure to get you to kick your ranch dressing habit. you'll never DREAM of drowning your salads in heavy dressings again!

walkin' in a winter entryway

need a way to dry/keep track of all those glovesmittenshatsandscarves that make their way into your front foyer? try this brilliantly faux-pressive trick:

hang a length of cord from a ceiling hook. attach smallish wooden clothespins down the length of the cord by tying knots on either end of each pin.

use clothespins to hold random snow-cessories while they dry.

another great tip that i think looks super cute is to take a shallow tray, large enough to hold several pairs of boots, and fill with largish-sized pebbles (you can steal them from your neighbors landscaping or buy them at any home-improvement store). store wet winter boots on the tray and water will wick away while staying off your floors.

Friday, January 8, 2010

have fun staying single....

okay, but who would want to be married to her?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

julie larson is brilliant

snow day!

happy snow day everybody! in honor of the white stuff (no, not that white stuff), i've compiled some fun winter craft/activities to do with the kids. if you don't have any kids, these activities can still be super fun to do, but i would recommend either a couple hot toddies or whatever other substance floats your boat to really give it that WOW factor.

snow paint!
this craft is easy and fun and can be as classy or creative as you like.
all you need are spray water bottles (one for each desired color) and food coloring. mix the food coloring with water, shake well and voila! you've got snow paint.
try decorating shrubs or bushes and making pretty flowers near your entryways.

marshmallow-toasting snowmen!
i saw a picture of these snowmen a couple years back and thought they were so cute! i've finally figured out how to make them easily.
begin by constructing two classic snowmen, facing each other, with approx five feet between them. use sticks for arms and attach marshmallows on the ends of the 'fingers'.
construct a fake firepit between the two snowmen by placing logs or other sticks in a circle. build up an igloo-column of smaller snowballs in the middle of the circle, leaving spaces between each snowball that light can pass through.
in the evening, place either pillar candles or battery powered flicker lights inside the 'igloo' and prepare for your neighbors to be both envious and amazed.
faux-pressive, no?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

'nough said

though her gloves are nice....

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

from the cradle to the grave

if your special guy is having a difficult time keeping your freshly-scrubbed toilet clean, try this trick:

float a couple of froot loops or any other round cereal in the bowl of the toilet (i like froot loops because the bright colors attract my guy's attention).

direct the male to attempt to 'shoot' the cereal with his stream. he will have fun practicing his accuracy, and your toilet bowl and bathroom floor will remain clean.

this tip works equally as well for drunk husbands as it does for six year old boys.

baby, it's cold outside....

i have to admit, even though i know the holidays are over and i am thankful that i survived them with only a stint on crutches, i think i might maybe kinda miss all the hub-bub a teeny bit.

something about seeing our tree on the curb this evening coming home from work got to me. it's sad.

so while i huddle inside this evening because (i know, people have been saying 'it's cold this' and 'it's cold that' all day) it's freaking cold out there, i wil be sipping away on one of the greatest holiday drinks known to mankind, waxing poetic about how great the holidays are. in hindsight.

tom and jerry
makes a butt-load of servings
18 egg yolks (i guess whites can also be used instead, but i've never tried it)
2 lb powdered sugar
3 drops oil of cinnamon
3 drops oil of clove

whip well

one heaping spoonful of batter
2 oz blended whiskey
add hot milk (or water)
sprinkle with nutmeg

delicious! (and faux-pressive, too!)

besides, if my leg is still recovering from my spill (and subsequent crutches) and i'm not allowed to go to the gym, i might as well have a cocktail. (gee, that decision seemed easy!)

besides, it's like, really, really freakin' cold out there.

Monday, January 4, 2010

another reason i love me some amy sedaris

can't decide which part i love most out of this clip.....what's your fave?

Jerri Blank Cooks Video by TAG - MySpace Video

let me know!

resolution 101: get organized!

so, it's time to get all of the holiday decorations out of your sight and back into the garage/crawl space/basement until next year. as if this undertaking isn't daunting enough, chances are you seem to have way more crap laying around your house post-holiday than you did before.

now, you can take a lesson from my mother and simply wait for 'spring cleaning' to remove all of this new clutter, but by that time, it's likely that you and your household will have become accustomed to your new living arrangements and the need to get your house back in order may not feel quite as pressing. (note: this is how people get themselves into serious trouble. ever seen that a&e show, hoarders? it all starts somewhere.)

rule number one for getting your house clean: bust it out.

forget the advice you may have read elsewhere about doing a little bit everyday until the job's done. no one has this amount of discipline and you WILL end up cutting corners....oh, i guess that stack of 30 victoria's secret catalogs can stay there, they are fun to look over sometimes.

i seriously devote hours at a time to cleaning my house, because if it doesn't all get done at once, it's not going to get done. period. start in one room of your home and get it sparkling (i like to start in the kitchen), i'm talking drawers organized, appliances moved and wiped behind, the whole she-bang. once that room is done, move on to the next one with the thought in mind that no one room in your home should be cleaner/messier than another.

yes, this will take you some time, but you only have to do it about once every couple of months to maintain a 'clean' home. chug an energy drink and just get it done.

rule number two for getting your house clean: throw shit away!!

seriously. get it out of your house. you will not miss it. if it is ugly, don't put in a closet or seldom-used guest bedroom, throw it in the trash where it belongs! if you are afraid that you will one day miss it, get over it: remember those really comfy elephant print sleep pants that you practically lived in in college and then let some friend wear home some morning after a night of binge drinking? (yeah, well you didn't until i just brought them up.)

if you are a collector, pick ONE thing to be a collector of and figure out a way to display the collection in one place. if your collection can not be displayed in a pretty or interesting way, you are collecting the wrong thing. frame children's artwork or create a coffee table book by sliding pieces into plastic slipcovers inside a 3-ring binder. give knick-knacks their own special shelf in your entryway. display an interesting wine glass collection on an unused bookcase shelf or mantle.

if you can't find a place for it, donate it, sell it, or pitch it.

rule number three for getting your house clean: small, pretty containers.

they don't even have to match! small baskets, jars, glass dishes, saucers all are great ways to give the illusion of cleanliness without actually having to do much cleaning. since you've already done your room-to-room cleaning and thrown out most of the crap littering your living space, you should be left with only a few little piles of 'where do i put this' kind of stuff.

i keep my tv and stereo remotes in a pretty fluted glass bowl on the bottom shelf of my coffee table. loose change is kept on a large saucer in the master bedroom. keys, sunglasses and bills are kept on a similar saucer above the microwave. dishtowels and scarves and gloves have their own respective baskets in the laundry room and hall closet. nail polishes and small lotions are kept in an old wrought-iron silverware organizer in the linen closet. i even have a basket at the foot of my bed where my husband and i keep our jeans and sweaters that we have worn but are likely to wear again before laundry day.

these are just a few of my organizational tips (trust me, i've got plenty) though i deem these three to be three of the most important. i hate clutter because clutter looks like laziness and even though, yes i am lazy i am also too much a lady to let that fact be thrown into my house guests faces.

another added bonus tip: if you have school-aged kids, get them to help out...if they are young enough, sorting like things into piles can be a fun and educational game. and, if they are too old to be so easily fooled, just threaten to take their playstation or cell phone or keg party privileges away. they'll be helping you in no time!