i'm funna clean yo closet (in a good way)

ahhh, closets.
what a great metaphor for human existence, huh?
cram all your clutter and crap that you don't really want to think about, but might someday be inclined to desperately need, into a an inadequately small space, slam the door and hide it all from the world.

what's not to love?
plenty.

the problem with messy closets is, though they may leave the rest of your home or office looking neat and tidy with minimal effort, you know what's behind that door.
you know that you are a poser and that at any moment your horrible secret could come crashing out for all to see.

if you have messy closets you are, essentially, a big fat liar and an awful human being.

now that ive got you motivated (i learned this technique from my eastern-european mother-in-law): ready to clean?

yeah, me neither, but we have to do it anyway.

closet cleaning 099 (we'll get to 101 once your grades improve)

step 1: decide the function of your space.
is this closet for storing clothing? gift wrapping paper? important paperwork? cleaning supplies? you don't get to pick them all for one space, so just get over it. figure out what belongs in this space and get all of the other crap out of there.

step 2: take everything out of the closet.
yeah, that's right. you're going to make a mess, but guess what? that's how you clean. things get messier in life before they get cleaner. haven't you ever seen a disney movie?

step 3: go through each piece one at a time.
this step can be tedious, but it is essential in weeding out all the trash/ugly junk/broken stuff/where in the hell did that come from kind of items.
if you haven't worn it in at least a year: pitch it.
if it no longer fits your growing body: lose it (the article, not the weight).
if it needs repair: for christ's sake fix it or get rid of it.
c'mon, are these rules really that hard to follow?

if you are experiencing a particularly difficult time discarding items, pour yourself a giant glass of red wine and watch the first 20 min of an episode of hoarders. now get back to work.

step 4: utilize shelf space.
do not hang sweaters.
ever.
or else i will be able to spot you from 40 paces as an idiot who doesn't know how to care for their clothing by the little devil horns popping out of your shoulders.
fold sweaters and store in small stacks with the heavier sweaters on the bottom, lighter on top to avoid distorting their shapes.
jeans, sweatshirts and knits also store well when folded.

step5: get creative.
there are a ga-jillion ways to use your brain, so you might as well exercise your creativity a little bit when it comes to organizing your closet.
shower curtain hooks work well to hang purses, belts and scarves from closet rods, for instance.
use an empty case of wine (you know you have them laying around) to store flip-flops and other flat shoes. wrap the case in pretty paper if you're a perfectionist.
etc.

okay, we've completed our first seminar in closet organization. yes cleaning and organizing sucks super big time, but so does living with the knowledge that at any moment a houseguest, child or spouse could unsuspectingly open THAT closet door and all the crap you've been stockpiling since your first my little pony play stable could come spilling out. then you have to clean it, anyway.

remember: there's a reason monsters live in closets.